It's been a month since baba left us...
No words can described how sad and crushed I was, even at this moment, it felt so surreal. The moment of his last breathe, the world suddenly turned into a stranger.
We got him to Sunway Hospital, Subang on the 14th of November 2016, after weeks of illness, which we didn't really know the exact cause was. We went to hospitals, and did couples of checkups before, and there were many hypothesis, from kidney stones to clog in the heart. But on that day, after being rejected by the dialysis centre due to low blood pressure, we decided to go to Sunway Hospital, Subang instead, it was his favorite hospital. It was after Dr. Tan successfully did a vascular surgery back in April.
We knew the trip to Subang which took us 4 hours were suffering for him. But he didn't complain much. We only stopped once and change his seat to back so he could have a little more space to stretch. By the time we arrived, the nurses got him on a stretcher, and got him straight to the emergency, which soon after he was warded in the ICU. Baba said to Kak Ita, we were at the right place now. We were so glad, seriously I thought at that time, everything was going to be alright. Baba survived all the odds, this won't be any different. We even went to supper at a mamak nearby, which was so called a celebration.
But the thought of celebration was too early to be true. On Monday, Baba was fully awake. He even managed to joke here and there, and we were so confident at that time, everything was really gonna be alright. Baba did his dialysis the next day, but the blood pressure was still too low, which the doctor put in drugs to maintain his BP. The same day, I decided to go for a meeting in KL, so that I don't need to apply for a leave. In that very meeting, I received a text from Kak Ita, telling us that the doctor met her and mama, saying that baba actually critical, which there was a huge blood clog in his heart that at anytime could move to his brain or lungs. There was no way to remove the clog as it was impossible to perform any kind of surgery at his condition. And we were now against time...
It was heart breaking.
I cried all my way back to the hospital...
I stayed at the hospital that night, knowing that he would restlessly asked for us sometimes in the middle of the night, just to accompany him for a little time.
The next day, Wednesday, the doctor asked for the family at noon. At this time around, some of baba's sibling from Singapore were already here. All I remember was... "Cancer Stage 4". The doctor advice us the family to stop his dialysis gradually and went home. We thought it was the best too, as the doctor said the drugs he used for dialysis will eventually killed him, so it was best to go home, and spend the last 2 weeks the best we could. He was well awake, and I was so down that we have to tell him that he was actually dying. He was well awake! He was even cheerful sometimes, with his typical jokes. How could we tell him that... I remember him telling us, "let me fight this...". He wanted to fight...
The next morning, we asked the doctor to tell him, with us right at his side. We all cried, but he didn't much. He looked at me, "Jaff, jangan...". Yeah, I knew, anak lelaki kena la kuat kan. At that very time jugak, segala jenis hingus aku sedut balik, lap air mata, and stand next to him and said, "Don't worry, we are going to go through this". As we were expected, he decided to go through with dialysis. Going home and wait for the end of life was never an option for him. He was a fighter, definitely a great spirit he had. The doctor was amazed himself. He thought he would be defensive and denying the fact, but he accepted the news very well, and straight asked for all the options that he to get more days to live. But deep inside, I knew that he knew, his days are near the end. He apologised a lot, to his sibling as if it was his last time. He called me many times too, to plan ahead how to take care of Mama and the rest of us. What need to be paid, what need to be claimed when he is gone, almost everything. Yerp, he planned all that.
During dialysis, I stood next to him and hold his hand. This is the hand which hold me dearly when I was small, the hand which I felt safe and secured. I knew this could be my last time holding his hand, so I stood there for hours, just to hold his hand. I cried. I cried many times, the most in my life I guess.
On Friday, there were so many guests, even from Perak. He was cheerful. Laughing and making jokes. But we didn't want him to get exhausted, but seeing him that happy, we let everyone in, two at a time. It's been the fifth day, I didn't go home, even bath, or eat well. Tak rasa nak buat apa pun, I just want to be there all the time. Later that day, a specialist came for a visit, then he called the family and said, we didn't have much time. Going home was really a good option now. I don't know. We didn't know what to do, really. If he wanted to fight, then we will stay by his side, and fight with him all the way. Baba even asked us to find a condominium nearby so that he could be discharged soon and go for treatment on daily basis.
On Saturday, he was still strong. His blood pressure was stable without any medication. Today he went for dialysis again, and we decided to go for another dialysis on Tuesday, and then go home. We would come back again later for dialysis. That was why Baba really wanted to stay nearby so that it is near to come over. The normal dialysis centre won't take him anymore with his condition. Baba was OK with the plan. As long as he got the treatment needed. No to giving up. But as before, he kept on calling from time to time to remind me on what needs to be done if he is gone. "Yang pergi, mesti pergi Jaff...". And I replied, "Jaff redho ba, but don't you worry, I will take care of the family as good as u did, just don't you worry about us anymore", and then he nod, and sleeps.
The last days, baba kept on hugging and kissing us. Maybe he felt already that the day was coming. I slept with him the last night. I was so thankful I was allowed to, because in the ICU, no guest or family was allowed to stay overnight inside. That very last night, he didn't sleep. We talked. I know, he was mumbling all the time, he couldn't think straight I guess, maybe the effect of the cancer was too much now. He made joke too, but I couldn't understand, but he laughed, so I laughed too. Haha. Then we searched for a house on mudah.my. Some comments that he make macam lif rumah kecik la, cat tak cantik la.. haha. Then he did get some food to eat, and the nurse managed to get him a good coffee too. He kept on giving compliments to the good coffee. The last coffee that he had...
At 5.00 am, I got so tired and tertidur. Then baba kejut, and asked me for his phone. Then baba called zali and asked him to come in. When zali got in, I went out and slept outside as we are not allowed to stay more than 1 family member.
In the morning, I decided to go Kak Ita's home and took a bath. I didn't bath since monday! After shower, while I was lying on the bed, Kak Anna called, her voice was trembling, but still calm, and asked me to come over. So Zali and I, together with Nisa drove back to the hospital. We didn't worry that much, as I really thought that he was well the day before...
I was so wrong. Baba was half awake. His heartbeat is slowing down quickly. Mama was already crying, Kak Anna and Kak Ita too. Quickly, I went to his side, and starts the syahadah together with him. I try my best to be calm, but my tears was flowing out fast. But I kept on repeating the syahadah, slowly so that it would be as clear as possible for him to listen. Then mama took my hand, and put it on baba's hand. His fistula used for dialysis had stopped. Mama was looking at me with tears in her eyes. I nodded. I knew, there were no chance at all for dialysis now... I quickly went downstairs straight to the ATM and got all the cash I could. I wanted baba to be discharged the soonest I could, so I needed to settle the bill. We wanted baba's last moment to be at his home. I even transferred some money to Kak Anna, Kak Ita, Zali and Nisa since there was a limit in the ATM machine. When I was back in the ICU, we asked for an ambulance to get him home today... then Kak Anna, Kak Ita and Zali went downstairs and took the money out. I stayed with baba. I cried again and whisper to his ear, "Baba jangan risau lagi pasal kitorang, jangan risau langsung because we are gonna be alright. We will meet you nanti when our time comes". He nodded.... he nodded... I know taking care of us, was what that kept him going. But now, I just wanted him to go peacefully...
Baba's heartbeat kept on dropping... Kak Anna, Kak Ita and Zali managed to get back to the room. We were all there, together with mama, when he finally took his last breathe....
During the funeral later that night, there were so many people at the mosque, and we were so grateful for the love that people had given him throughout his life...
We were thankful for the 17 years that he lived after diagnosed with kidney failure. Not many people survived that long. We were thankful, syukur for the time that we had together.
It was difficult for me to write this post and remember back the week of sadness that we had. But I just want to make a point here, to myself, to everyone else, don't give up. Selagi Allah kata tak, selagi tu kita berusaha.
Baba was the best man I've ever known. Looking in the mirror everyday, I really wished that I could be as good as you. The best father, husband, grandfather, we could asked for.
I don't know what to write anymore.
Rindu baba... rindu sangat.
Al-fatihah...
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Kepada keluarga dan kenalan, saya mewakili keluarga ingin berterima kasih atas doa dan semangat yang telah diberikan kepada Arwah dan kami di sepanjang waktu-waktu sukar. Saya juga memohon maaf andai Arwah ada melakukan kesilapan di sepanjang hayatnya dan jika ada hutang-hutang yang masih belum dituntut, boleh dibuat terus melalui saya atau adik beradik saya yang lain.
Terima kasih semua...
Semoga Allah menempatkan beliau di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman. Ameen..
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