Tuesday, December 20, 2016

My Baba. The Last Days...


It's been a month since baba left us... 
No words can described how sad and crushed I was, even at this moment, it felt so surreal. The moment of his last breathe, the world suddenly turned into a stranger.

We got him to Sunway Hospital, Subang on the 14th of November 2016, after weeks of illness, which we didn't really know the exact cause was. We went to hospitals, and did couples of checkups before, and there were many hypothesis, from kidney stones to clog in the heart. But on that day, after being rejected by the dialysis centre due to low blood pressure, we decided to go to Sunway Hospital, Subang instead, it was his favorite hospital. It was after Dr. Tan successfully did a vascular surgery back in April. 

We knew the trip to Subang which took us 4 hours were suffering for him. But he didn't complain much. We only stopped once and change his seat to back so he could have a little more space to stretch. By the time we arrived, the nurses got him on a stretcher, and got him straight to the emergency, which soon after he was warded in the ICU. Baba said to Kak Ita, we were at the right place now. We were so glad, seriously I thought at that time, everything was going to be alright. Baba survived all the odds, this won't be any different. We even went to supper at a mamak nearby, which was so called a celebration.

But the thought of celebration was too early to be true. On Monday, Baba was fully awake. He even managed to joke here and there, and we were so confident at that time, everything was really gonna be alright. Baba did his dialysis the next day, but the blood pressure was still too low, which the doctor put in drugs to maintain his BP. The same day, I decided to go for a meeting in KL, so that I don't need to apply for a leave. In that very meeting, I received a text from Kak Ita, telling us that the doctor met her and mama, saying that baba actually critical, which there was a huge blood clog in his heart that at anytime could move to his brain or lungs. There was no way to remove the clog as it was impossible to perform any kind of surgery at his condition. And we were now against time...

It was heart breaking. 
I cried all my way back to the hospital...

I stayed at the hospital that night, knowing that he would restlessly asked for us sometimes in the middle of the night, just to accompany him for a little time. 

The next day, Wednesday, the doctor asked for the family at noon. At this time around, some of baba's sibling from Singapore were already here. All I remember was... "Cancer Stage 4". The doctor advice us the family to stop his dialysis gradually and went home. We thought it was the best too, as the doctor said the drugs he used for dialysis will eventually killed him, so it was best to go home, and spend the last 2 weeks the best we could. He was well awake, and I was so down that we have to tell him that he was actually dying. He was well awake! He was even cheerful sometimes, with his typical jokes. How could we tell him that... I remember him telling us, "let me fight this...". He wanted to fight...

The next morning, we asked the doctor to tell him, with us right at his side. We all cried, but he didn't much. He looked at me, "Jaff, jangan...". Yeah, I knew, anak lelaki kena la kuat kan. At that very time jugak, segala jenis hingus aku sedut balik, lap air mata, and stand next to him and said, "Don't worry, we are going to go through this". As we were expected, he decided to go through with dialysis. Going home and wait for the end of life was never an option for him. He was a fighter, definitely a great spirit he had. The doctor was amazed himself. He thought he would be defensive and denying the fact, but he accepted the news very well, and straight asked for all the options that he  to get more days to live. But deep inside, I knew that he knew, his days are near the end. He apologised a lot, to his sibling as if it was his last time. He called me many times too, to plan ahead how to take care of Mama and the rest of us. What need to be paid, what need to be claimed when he is gone, almost everything. Yerp, he planned all that. 

During dialysis, I stood next to him and hold his hand. This is the hand which hold me dearly when I was small, the hand which I felt safe and secured. I knew this could be my last time holding his hand, so I stood there for hours, just to hold his hand. I cried. I cried many times, the most in my life I guess.

On Friday, there were so many guests, even from Perak. He was cheerful. Laughing and making jokes. But we didn't want him to get exhausted, but seeing him that happy, we let everyone in, two at a time. It's been the fifth day, I didn't go home, even bath, or eat well. Tak rasa nak buat apa pun, I just want to be there all the time. Later that day, a specialist came for a visit, then he called the family and said, we didn't have much time. Going home was really a good option now. I don't know. We didn't know what to do, really. If he wanted to fight, then we will stay by his side, and fight with him all the way. Baba even asked us to find a condominium nearby so that he could be discharged soon and go for treatment on daily basis. 

On Saturday, he was still strong. His blood pressure was stable without any medication. Today he went for dialysis again, and we decided to go for another dialysis on Tuesday, and then go home. We would come back again later for dialysis. That was why Baba really wanted to stay nearby so that it is near to come over. The normal dialysis centre won't take him anymore with his condition. Baba was OK with the plan. As long as he got the treatment needed. No to giving up. But as before, he kept on calling from time to time to remind me on what needs to be done if he is gone. "Yang pergi, mesti pergi Jaff...". And I replied, "Jaff redho ba, but don't you worry, I will take care of the family as good as u did, just don't you worry about us anymore", and then he nod, and sleeps.

The last days, baba kept on hugging and kissing us. Maybe he felt already that the day was coming. I slept with him the last night. I was so thankful I was allowed to, because in the ICU, no guest or family was allowed to stay overnight inside. That very last night, he didn't sleep. We talked. I know, he was mumbling all the time, he couldn't think straight I guess, maybe the effect of the cancer was too much now. He made joke too, but I couldn't understand, but he laughed, so I laughed too. Haha. Then we searched for a house on mudah.my. Some comments that he make macam lif rumah kecik la, cat tak cantik la.. haha. Then he did get some food to eat, and the nurse managed to get him a good coffee too. He kept on giving compliments to the good coffee. The last coffee that he had...

At 5.00 am, I got so tired and tertidur. Then baba kejut, and asked me for his phone. Then baba called zali and asked him to come in. When zali got in, I went out and slept outside as we are not allowed to stay more than 1 family member.

In the morning, I decided to go Kak Ita's home and took a bath. I didn't bath since monday! After shower, while I was lying on the bed, Kak Anna called, her voice was trembling, but still calm, and asked me to come over. So Zali and I, together with Nisa drove back to the hospital. We didn't worry that much, as I really thought that he was well the day before...

I was so wrong. Baba was half awake. His heartbeat is slowing down quickly. Mama was already crying, Kak Anna and Kak Ita too. Quickly, I went to his side, and starts the syahadah together with him. I try my best to be calm, but my tears was flowing out fast. But I kept on repeating the syahadah, slowly so that it would be as clear as possible for him to listen. Then mama took my hand, and put it on baba's hand. His fistula used for dialysis had stopped. Mama was looking at me with tears in her eyes. I nodded. I knew, there were no chance at all for dialysis now... I quickly went downstairs straight to the ATM and got all the cash I could. I wanted baba to be discharged the soonest I could, so I needed to settle the bill. We wanted baba's last moment to be at his home. I even transferred some money to Kak Anna, Kak Ita, Zali and Nisa since there was a limit in the ATM machine. When I was back in the ICU, we asked for an ambulance to get him home today... then Kak Anna, Kak Ita and Zali went downstairs and took the money out. I stayed with baba. I cried again and whisper to his ear, "Baba jangan risau lagi pasal kitorang, jangan risau langsung because we are gonna be alright. We will meet you nanti when our time comes". He nodded.... he nodded... I know taking care of us, was what that kept him going. But now, I just wanted him to go peacefully...

Baba's heartbeat kept on dropping... Kak Anna, Kak Ita and Zali managed to get back to the room. We were all there, together with mama, when he finally took his last breathe....

During the funeral later that night, there were so many people at the mosque, and we were so grateful for the love that people had given him throughout his life...

We were thankful for the 17 years that he lived after diagnosed with kidney failure. Not many people survived that long. We were thankful, syukur for the time that we had together.

It was difficult for me to write this post and remember back the week of sadness that we had. But I just want to make a point here, to myself, to everyone else, don't give up. Selagi Allah kata tak, selagi tu kita berusaha. 

Baba was the best man I've ever known. Looking in the mirror everyday, I really wished that I could be as good as you. The best father, husband, grandfather, we could asked for.

I don't know what to write anymore.

Rindu baba... rindu sangat.
Al-fatihah...

---
Kepada keluarga dan kenalan, saya mewakili keluarga ingin berterima kasih atas doa dan semangat yang telah diberikan kepada Arwah dan kami di sepanjang waktu-waktu sukar. Saya juga memohon maaf andai Arwah ada melakukan kesilapan di sepanjang hayatnya dan jika ada hutang-hutang yang masih belum dituntut, boleh dibuat terus melalui saya atau adik beradik saya yang lain.

Terima kasih semua...

Semoga Allah menempatkan beliau di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman. Ameen..

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Kami pun busy juge.

Cuba tengok tarikh post hari ni dan post yang sebelum ni. Ni bulan 10, nak hujung tahun dah. Kalau baby pon dah pandai jalan ni. Konon nak buat post tiap-tiap bulan, hattt tui. Apatah lagi cita-cita ko yang nak menulis buku. 

Anyhow, aku takde idea sebenarnya apa nak tulis. At the moment aku tengah dalam kelas, tengah break Zohor sebelum kelas mula balik pukul 2 karang. Hidup sekarang ni macam tak cukup nafas, hal kerja, hal takraw, hal belajar, urusan keluarga. Tatau dah mana nak buat dulu, mana kemudian. Aku lebih utamakan mana yang ada due date je, dan memandangkan belajar aku ni pun kena bayar sendiri, ni pun terpaksa la aku pulun. Tapi ada baiknya, kalau tak entah aku nak pergi kelas ke idak. 

Gambar hiasan yang menunjukkan ke-busy-an

Aku segan sebenarnya nak cakap orang aku busy. Pasal busy aku ni, entah-entah untuk orang lain mudah je, and banyak lagi orang kat keliling yang busy, tapi takde nak kecoh mana. So try my best la untuk manage time, kalau perlu extra time, then reserve that extra time. 

Tapi aku ada kenal seorang hamba Allah ni. Asyik nak cakap ko busy. Mau setiap perjumpaan lah ko nak cakap ko busy, banyak sangat keje ko, sampai keje ko kene laa bahagi-bahagi kat orang lain. Apa ko ingat orang lain tak busy ke? Kadang-kadang rasa tak adil pulak dunia ni. Yang kecoh ni, nampak laa ke-busy-an dia yang tak seberapa tu, and orang yang senyap dan akur, buat je la keje banyak memanjang. Tapi bos aku selalu cakap, looking at the positive side, at least kita belajar lebih dari orang tu. So sabar je...

Citer ni sebenarnya nak melibatkan aku pun. Takde laa aku yang kene buat keje dia ke apa, cuma bile melihat kejadian di depan mata, aku rasa macam nak tarik pipi ko kuat-kuat sambil bisik kat telinga, "Keje ko tu biasaaaa je la." Jadi aku nak cakap, jangan la komplen banyak sangat. Bila kerja tu dah jadi tanggungjawab kita, buat je la. Kalau rasa tak competent nak buat tu, buat je la keje lain.

Ah.Puas hati aku dapat settlekan satu post dalam masa 5 minit. 
Kena buat post macam ni lebih kerap, cuma rasa post macam gini kosong dan hambar je. Kbai.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Hello 2016!

Happy New Year guys!
Gosh, time is moving so fast and it seems like there's nothing much happening last year. 

So what happened last year...


1. So I went to Cambodia with my wife, yes, I wrote a post about it but never posted it. Pemalas tahap gaban super saiya untuk menulis. Cambodia was super cool, full of historical monuments, friendly people and great food. My wife wanted to go there again someday.

2. My brother got engaged! And he will marry the woman of his life next month. 

3. Joined the Takraw Management Team. Never had the chance to play nor learn the game, but managing is good enough. As I posted in the previous post, it was a surreal experience I had last year and am looking forward managing and forming the team again this year! 




4. Went to South Korea! This was suppose to be a low key trip, ehem. Anyhow, it was a once in a lifetime experience I guess, and appreciate the rezeki that comes. Seoul was super advanced, in a country which I think we have many lesson to learn and be a model to us. I think the right word for South Korea is the 'innovation' culture that are within them.

Well, nothing much eh.

So what do I look forward to this year?

1. Will be a busy month! Family from Singapore, Philippines and Wales are coming and I need to get a loooong leave to entertain and help my parents preparing my brother's wedding. This will be the last wedding in the family, so make it big and happening!

2. Travel travel travel. I read an article today on travelling, 'Make it happen'. Looking at 2 countries at the moment, two neighboring countries.

3. I need to look at the smaller thing too. This year, I wanted to read at least 20 book. Yerp, 20 books guys!

4. In term of blogging, 7 posts last year, and 5 posts in the previous year. Bapaak pemalas kau sekarang! So I need to top that. Ok, this year, at least 20 posts! Ok, gile tinggi cita-cita kau...

5. Move to our first home! I am currently renting, hopefully will be able to our own home this year! 

6. Baba's transplant! Oh, this is big! I hope rezeki is on our side this year after 16 years of dialysis, hoping that the kidney transplant will happen this year. Aaaameen.

So 2016, here I come!


Saturday, November 21, 2015

How Do You Look?

Tadaa, how do I look?

So I saw this program last week on Diva, hosted by Sazzy Falak. I heard that this was an adaptation of a similar program by the Americans. 

Well, I never like to be so negative on anything that is not related to me or anything, but this kind of show, to me, is insulting and "syok sendiri". Looking at the so-called fashion forward by the producer, the host, is funny, because the host was not dressing well either. In fact, the person whom they called with fashion disaster, dressed better. 

To me, dressing is subjective. There is no right or wrong. If he or she feels comfortable in it, he or she feels good in it, why not? Don't expect others to feel the same as what you think is beautiful. Beauty does not necessarily defined when you show more skins and figures. 

Plus, when you are a Muslim, that is wrong. We have aurat for us to think about.

So Sazzy Falak, stop showing your 'Eewww' face to what others think is beautiful, because what you wear in the show, is 'Ewww' to me.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Takraw For Dum'me'

Being close to Syam brought to me to somewhere I never thought I would ever, ever be. 

First, he made me play Clash of Clans, which at first I thought, was a waste of time, but it turned out to be good distraction from work.
Then, he made me helped him with his Takraw Team, which is a game of sport I never knew a single rule of, but later I found it very technically interesting.
Now, he made me wear three quarter pants, when managing the Takraw Team during Sukan PBT, which was totally againts my unwritten rules of clothing. "NO THREE QUARTER PANTS!" but it turned out to be comfortable.

Syamsul Istar...


Sepak Takraw. If I turned into a TV Channel with that on it, I would spend not even a single second, before I turned into another channel. I never knew the game. When I was in school, there was no one playing that game, even during Pendidikan Jasmani, no takraw. The first time I watched Takraw was 2 years back during DPA, and that is simply because I felt that I need to cheer for our team, and still, I never tried to understand the game.

So now, with Syam managing our Ministry's Takraw Team, which we called Libas SUK Perak, and myself, co-managing, I feel obligated to get to know the game well. Takkan nak terkebil-kebil tengok game tak paham mende when you are the manager of the team. So not cool. 

Ok, let's learn a little bit about the game.

1. What is the meaning of 'Takraw' and where does it came from? 
Takraw in Thai, is a woven ball. So with it's name of Sepak Takraw, I believe the game, obviously is from Southeast Asia, either in Malaysia, Thailand or Indonesia.

2. How many players in the court at a time?
There are 3 players per team. They are called Tekong, Feeder and Killer, depends on their position. 
Tekong is the one who will serve the ball to the opponent, either sending the ball straight to the opponent with high speed or serving a drop ball. 
Killer is the striker of the team, executing the ball to the opponents. Killer is also responsible to block any incoming ball from the opponent. 
Feeder is one who controls the ball, if the team manage to get the first ball right from the opponent. Feeder will then set the ball to the killer to strike back to the opponent, and that makes him important so that the Killer could perform a clean strike.

3. The attire of the players?
I never knew attire is so important until Sukan PBT. Well, according to the international rules, the number on the jersey of each player must only be between 1 to 15. Players must wear the same number on each game to avoid confusion of actual players. The captain of the team must also wear an armband.

4. Warming Up. 
Each team will be given 2 minutes before the game starts for warming up.

5. Explain the service?
I only got to know this after watching a couple of training sessions. Players of the serving regu will alternate as Tekong each time it has won a point from the previous serve until the receiving team manages to get a point. 

6. How many points needed to win the game?
21 points are required for a team to win a set, and there will be 2 sets, minimum. If it comes to a tie after 2 sets, then the third set will be the deciding set. Like badminton, the winning team needs 2 extra point to win.

7. How many time break given per team?
Well, time break will be requested by the manager of the team, and one time off is given to each team per set. Only 5 persons, max, is allowed at the back of the court during time off. But in the international rule, only 4 persons are allowed, and that is after the 8th points.

8. How many substitution allowed?
For each set, a team is allowed to nominated 1 reserved player, and make 2 substitutions per set.

So now, you are ready to co-manage!
I will post something on our journey to Sukan PBT next....

#libassukperak

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Big Hero 6


(Cuci sawang, cuci sawang, cuci sawang)

Lama gedabak aku tak tulis menulis. Erm, sebenarnya ada tulis, cuma button publish tu agak berat untuk ditekan berbanding tanda X kat hujung chrome ni. Melihatkan kawan-kawan pun semakin kurang aktif, semangat untuk mempublish post pon sangatlah ketara berkurangan.

This is a movie I've watched the latest, Big Hero 6. Yer yer, aku tau, cite ni dah lama, aku tengok pun bukan kat wayang, tengok kat rumah je. Tu pun adik aku paksa tengok, rasa macam tak cool je tajuknye, teringat cerite Fantastic 4 yang mengecewakan. 

This movie is an animation obviously, about Hiro and his brother's robot companion, Baymax. Like his brother, Hiro is a robot inventor genius, some sort la. But something unfortunate happened when his brother was killed in a fire, and from there it all started, the action and friendship. Baymax was initially created to take care of people's health, but having Hiro the genius himself, he manipulated the program of Baymax and add him as an action hero instead to find the killer of his brother.

I don't need to explain much, you can read the plot on Wikipedia.

From all the previous posts on movies review, boleh aku conclude di sini, aku suka cerita yang ada jiwa, yang ada perasaan, yang hidup. And Big Hero 6 is definitely one of them. Even one of the main character is only a robot without any emotion, yet the way the story line was arranged seems otherwise. It's brilliant.

Rate: 9.5/10

Friday, June 26, 2015

Defining You.


I remember when I had this little argument with a childhood friend of mine, and she told me "You've changed...". And then, being that hot temper guy that I was, I told her "What? I never changed, and never will!" Well, that was what I thought at that time. 

People change. Every year, every week, every day, every minute, maybe not every second. Hehe. But, we change. Everyone does. There is a saying that we will eventually become the person whom we are closed with. It's like when the group of people we always hang out with change, then we will change as well. Maybe it won't be so notable at that moment, but as time goes by, maybe we ourselves will notice it, or maybe the people whom we were closed with will. 

We are influenced by the people around us. The person I am today is because of the people I met along the way. And believe me, in 10 years to come, I may not be the person I am today. I hope I am a better person compare to previous years, and hopefully better than today in the future. And I am lucky enough, my path always crossed with friends who are kind with good hearts, and that I should be so grateful of.

Bak di dalam Riwayat Ahmad, "Seseorang itu dikenali berdasarkan sahabatnya, maka berwaspadalah dalam memilih sahabat".

So to my friends, thank you. I hope I define you good too.

Wallahua'lam...

Thursday, June 11, 2015

The Two Brothers


Another book on the shelf. Yes. Two Brothers, by Ben Elton.
From chapter to chapter, this book managed to bring me back to the early years of World War 2. It never fails to touch, and sometime breaks my heart on how this family of four was treated and separated back then during the Nazis. It would be impossible for us to know on how Jews were treated back then. And this family, who are jews were never exempted. 

It happens to be that one of the twin, actually was adopted, and he was never a jew. 
And when it comes to the end of the line, the parents have no other choice but to let the non-jew son go, by telling all the truths. From there, they were separated, but it didn't hold the brothers to meet up at some points. To make it even more complicated, the 'twins' love the same girl, a jew girl where they both put their life in danger for her. To me personally, the girl was the evil plot in the book. She used the boys for her own survival interest. Never in my mind thought that she loved either one of the boys.

As a whole, this book never fails to play with emotions. And that is what I looked in a book. A book that convince me. Reading how family go through with life, how the non-jew brother survive and how he tried so hard to protect his family by all means. It's all about family, relationship, love and trusts. 

I hope that I will come across a book of how the Palestinians were treated, written with such emotions that will show the world, how same the Zionists are with the Nazis.

Peace.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Happy Teacher's Day.

Fuh, gila berhabuk aku punya blog.
 It feels like forever since my last post.
So yesterday was Teacher's Day. I might as well post something related.

When I was in Form 4, there was this 1 teacher whom I particularly remember. She taught me Modern Mathematics, but I took her tuition class on Add Maths in the evening. Her way of teaching was unique I guess, she made me remember all the methods, easily. 

But it is not the way she taught me that make her stick on my head, but it's the confidence she had in me. Modern Maths, was ok I guess. But I always thought Add Maths will be horrible. 

There was 1 day though, when we were doing add maths exercises during the tuition class, she told me personally, "Jaff, I know you will score at least A2 for Add Maths, I only want you to study hard now to score A1."  In my head, it's just WOW. She had this belief which I even don't have on myself. But knowing someone does believe in me, I eventually put in my mind, I am good in maths. I am good in maths. Yeah. I can do it, can't I? 

And yeah, I did it. I scored A1 in Add Maths. 
But sadly, as far as I remember, I never had this chance to meet her in person after school to thank her for the belief she had in me. 

I received a gift from her during my wedding, but still, didn't have the chance to meet her.

So, Puan Ding,
Selamat Hari Guru.
Thank you so much for believing in me.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Sabar.

Everyone has their highs and lows, especially at work. Well, syukur at the moment the life I went through at work is all well. But I remember last time with the previous work I had, it was tough I must say. Although I was happy with all the friends and colleagues, but the process, the tense, was very difficult.

Sometimes when we lost our mind, we tend to do things which is beyond limit. Like for instance, shouting, blaming, cursing, with all the dramas and that. But think for a second, where will it get you? Will you be happy for doing that? Puas hati? Nah. You won't, believe me. All that actions will only give you guilts and regrets.

So what I would suggest, to you and myself, stay calm, sabar. If you have to defend yourself, do it in a good way. When someone do bad things to you, it is not a ticket for you to the same to him, or her. Diamkan aje, pasal biasanya orang yang diam tu adalah orang yang menang.

Life is short. So be happy. Be wise.